I’m in a stage of wondering what kind of person I want to be for the rest of my life. I know that sounds incredibly over dramatic and silly but bear with me for a moment. I’ve been analyzing my current situation and what about it makes me unhappy. Do I have enough social support, am I pursuing the right goals, do I understand my own limitations (and am I pushing sufficiently at these, or too much).
I’m finding that I can’t answer all of these questions. Although I would much like to think that I have a good number of really caring friends sometimes they aren’t enough, sometimes I want someone different. Studying about the African continent one of the most striking things to me is that people there have incredible networks of social support. They don’t sit alone at a television screen connecting with people on camera, they’re constantly out talking with other villagers and connecting with large numbers of people on a daily basis. I envy them.
One of my mothers good friends from church just died (cancer). She was an amazing women who up until she got sick was the life of every party/church event. I always thought that the church was her main social sphere, but her funeral was packed with people I had never seen before in my life. That kind of connection with people, I hope I can learn how to build that at some point. Sometimes I think it’s possible, others I wonder if my limits preclude that kind of social networking.
I’m very sure that I’m pursuing the right goals. Medicine is just one of those things I always knew, since I was little, I needed to do. I always knew that I wanted to be a doctor, but until recently I don’t think it ever crossed my mind that I could really do it. When I opened that acceptance letter, my parents broke down in tears they were so happy for me. I just stood there in the rain thinking, “fuck! They let people like me into medical school?!” It’s still sinking in that at some point in the future I’m going to be called Dr. Hokanson. That FREAKS me out. But at the same time I know it’s the right thing for me. I’m sure that doesn’t make any sense…but that’s how emotions go.
I’m taking 6 classes right now. Three of which are seminar writing requirements. I have just about no free time and it’s running me down. Throughout college I’ve tried to challenge myself, tried to push and become smarter/more informed. I think this semester (thank goodness it’s the last) I’ve reached me limit. I’ve pushed to the point that I can’t see anything else besides school work (which was good when I didn’t know what I was going to do next year, but now sucks monkey balls). I’m learning that some boundaries are not for pushing, they’re for keeping everything together.
boundaries not for pushing? Okay well not in this part of my life...but in the part that he knows...yes
and then there's a picture for your enjoyment of course ;)
she was allowed to have shoes? crazy nudists.
- Current Location:homes