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May. 17th, 2009

this just in...i'm a raving bitch.  Not completely true....but some times it feels like that. These things needed to be said. They were problems but they hurt and they continue to hurt. This will be one of the things i try not to look back on when i think of You.

I've been laboring over how/if to write this letter. You know i've been
unhappy about Oour dynamic for a while. Well i'm writing this so You can
understand why i've felt that way and to petition for release from Your
service. i've been so unhappy with Oour dynamic that i've questioned if i
can really be a sub, and that frightens me. When i first realized i was a
submissive i was full of excitment and eager to learn all that i could. It
was a moment, similar to when You realized You were a Dom and there were
Others like You i'm sure, where i felt at peace with myself. Recently i've
been so conflicted that i've not only lost this peace and excitment, i've
contemplated leaving subhood behind me. That's not right.

The main issues i feel myself conflicted over in Your service are listed
below and then examined in turn. i don't feel You are excited about/by my
service and therefore that serving You benefits me only. i have personal
conflicts regarding Oour large age difference (yes, i'm aware You may think
this shallow). i don't feel that i have been pushed on limits or made/allowed
to grow. Perhaps the least appealling and the most bothersome for me: i
don't respect You.

Lack of enthusiasm

Let's take an example here. The first time i ever had electrodes connected
to my body i was full of nerves and excitement. i was interested what it
would feel like and You know i love feeling like i'm trying something new.
The sensation was wonderful, i loved the electricity and it really was like
nothing i had ever experienced before. But when i looked in Your eyes, i
could see an expression, "Oh...i've done this before and it's all the same
to me. Maybe i should go make a sandwich". Needless to say, it dropped me
out of my "OMG this is really cool" headspace. i wasn't sharing an
experience with You anymore; i was being given sensations...and that's not
the point of sex or any human interaction vanilla or non.

When i read the Marilyn stories i was sooo excited that i was going to be
able to be with a person who had such creative energy and was so clear
about their need/wants/expectations. Truth is (i'm sorry) but i don't feel
You're that same Person anymore. i never felt that same fire when You touched
me or gave me an order. i know i'm not Marilyn and i never reached that
level of submission, i accept that. But the thing about my personality is,
i'll come meet my Ppartner where Tthey are....and i never felt i needed to
reach any farther.

You say that pleasing me gives You pleasure. That's fine and dandy. But
the fact that i can't even please You enough to get the gun cocked let
alone shoot it off...that's a problem of my needs not meeting Yours. i
know it's selfish of me to think that something about You is not meeting
my needs, i know that it should be all about what "pleases" You, but i
can't get over my inability to please You physically. It leaves me feeling
empty and as if i'm using You instead of the other way around.

Age

i know it's shallow and i'm a horrible agist, whatever. Here's the thing.
Wwe're at different places in Oour lives. You have a child (about my age),
i haven't even starting thinking about settling down enough to have a dog;
You have a carreer(and a few in the past), i haven't even finished schooling;
You have serious religious devotion, i don't even believe there is any meaning
(with a little m) in the world. Wwe have different goals for a relationship
right now. i'm looking for someOone who can start their life with me and
share new experiences and have fun, You're looking for someOone to share
what You have right now. i can't ignore the fact that give Oour age
difference, Wwe're in different places: that causes conflict.

i have a small voice inside my head which keeps saying: what does an older
man really want from You? it's not necessarily a bad thing, but it does
raise questions. i know You'll say something about how You weren't looking
for a younger girl it just happened. That's fine, but the questions are
still there, and because of their subjective nature, they aren't going
anywhere.

Limits

i have some really far out limits. i know that. it's hard to test things
when i'm a freak. But the more i learn about myself, i think testing them
(at least every once in a while) is a need for me. i need to know that
i'm doing something really nasty/dirty/taboo for my Ppartner's pleasure.
i didn't know that coming in, and it's neither of Oour faults.

Respect

i know this is perhaps the largest shock/the most hurtful/the most angering.
It bothers me too. Here i am thinking that i'm a very tolerant person who
respects the perspectives of others and doesn't judge. But i have all these
feelings of judgment directed towards You. Much of this lack of respect is
misdirected from my father (i'm sure of that). But much of it also stems
from the fact that You say You will do one thing and then don't deliver on
that. For example: i'm going to give You an enema for misbehaving...then
i arrive and You say.."you know I'm not really feeling like an enema today."
or you say "some time soon I'm gonna watch You lick another girls pussy"..
that was what 2 or more months ago? It's stupid, i should except my place
as a submissive and get over the fact that You don't do what You say You will,
and i've tried, i've really tried to just let it go. But i simply can't
respect someOone who goes back on their word (no matter what they say they'll
do). The biggest problem is that this lack of follow through extended to
punishment. Sometimes i would do something deserving of punishment and get
a kiss. Sometimes i would do something similar and get a hearty beating.
That's confusing as a submissive.

Here's the thing. i've learned a lot from being with You. i know it's hard
to imagine, but i think from learning more about what i want/need i'll have
become a better sub from Oour time together. But there are certain intractable
problems with Oour relationship which have cropped up over the past few months.
i've let them stew for a very long time, and it was time for me to let them
out. i know many of the things i said here may have been hurtful and for
that i am truly sorry. i don't mean to be a bitch, i just need to be
truthful with You so that You know where i stand and understand my need
to petition for release.

i hope You understand and if You would like to talk about any/all of these
things i am open to such a discussion.i would like You to know, however,
that i have limited/no interest in attempting to find a "solution". If i
thought they had solutions i would have brought them up earlier for
discussion and mediation/etc.

 


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submonka

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