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i just had my first SCREAMING orgasm!!!  :)

Don't get me wrong, my usual orgasms are really fing nice, but this was a whole new level. This was "i can't control myself...who the fuck is making all that noise...what noise...where am i ....WOH!" kind of O.

that is all.

May. 17th, 2009

this just in...i'm a raving bitch.  Not completely true....but some times it feels like that. These things needed to be said. They were problems but they hurt and they continue to hurt. This will be one of the things i try not to look back on when i think of You.

I've been laboring over how/if to write this letter. You know i've been
unhappy about Oour dynamic for a while. Well i'm writing this so You can
understand why i've felt that way and to petition for release from Your
service. i've been so unhappy with Oour dynamic that i've questioned if i
can really be a sub, and that frightens me. When i first realized i was a
submissive i was full of excitment and eager to learn all that i could. It
was a moment, similar to when You realized You were a Dom and there were
Others like You i'm sure, where i felt at peace with myself. Recently i've
been so conflicted that i've not only lost this peace and excitment, i've
contemplated leaving subhood behind me. That's not right.

The main issues i feel myself conflicted over in Your service are listed
below and then examined in turn. i don't feel You are excited about/by my
service and therefore that serving You benefits me only. i have personal
conflicts regarding Oour large age difference (yes, i'm aware You may think
this shallow). i don't feel that i have been pushed on limits or made/allowed
to grow. Perhaps the least appealling and the most bothersome for me: i
don't respect You.

Lack of enthusiasm

Let's take an example here. The first time i ever had electrodes connected
to my body i was full of nerves and excitement. i was interested what it
would feel like and You know i love feeling like i'm trying something new.
The sensation was wonderful, i loved the electricity and it really was like
nothing i had ever experienced before. But when i looked in Your eyes, i
could see an expression, "Oh...i've done this before and it's all the same
to me. Maybe i should go make a sandwich". Needless to say, it dropped me
out of my "OMG this is really cool" headspace. i wasn't sharing an
experience with You anymore; i was being given sensations...and that's not
the point of sex or any human interaction vanilla or non.

When i read the Marilyn stories i was sooo excited that i was going to be
able to be with a person who had such creative energy and was so clear
about their need/wants/expectations. Truth is (i'm sorry) but i don't feel
You're that same Person anymore. i never felt that same fire when You touched
me or gave me an order. i know i'm not Marilyn and i never reached that
level of submission, i accept that. But the thing about my personality is,
i'll come meet my Ppartner where Tthey are....and i never felt i needed to
reach any farther.

You say that pleasing me gives You pleasure. That's fine and dandy. But
the fact that i can't even please You enough to get the gun cocked let
alone shoot it off...that's a problem of my needs not meeting Yours. i
know it's selfish of me to think that something about You is not meeting
my needs, i know that it should be all about what "pleases" You, but i
can't get over my inability to please You physically. It leaves me feeling
empty and as if i'm using You instead of the other way around.


i know it's shallow and i'm a horrible agist, whatever. Here's the thing.
Wwe're at different places in Oour lives. You have a child (about my age),
i haven't even starting thinking about settling down enough to have a dog;
You have a carreer(and a few in the past), i haven't even finished schooling;
You have serious religious devotion, i don't even believe there is any meaning
(with a little m) in the world. Wwe have different goals for a relationship
right now. i'm looking for someOone who can start their life with me and
share new experiences and have fun, You're looking for someOone to share
what You have right now. i can't ignore the fact that give Oour age
difference, Wwe're in different places: that causes conflict.

i have a small voice inside my head which keeps saying: what does an older
man really want from You? it's not necessarily a bad thing, but it does
raise questions. i know You'll say something about how You weren't looking
for a younger girl it just happened. That's fine, but the questions are
still there, and because of their subjective nature, they aren't going


i have some really far out limits. i know that. it's hard to test things
when i'm a freak. But the more i learn about myself, i think testing them
(at least every once in a while) is a need for me. i need to know that
i'm doing something really nasty/dirty/taboo for my Ppartner's pleasure.
i didn't know that coming in, and it's neither of Oour faults.


i know this is perhaps the largest shock/the most hurtful/the most angering.
It bothers me too. Here i am thinking that i'm a very tolerant person who
respects the perspectives of others and doesn't judge. But i have all these
feelings of judgment directed towards You. Much of this lack of respect is
misdirected from my father (i'm sure of that). But much of it also stems
from the fact that You say You will do one thing and then don't deliver on
that. For example: i'm going to give You an enema for misbehaving...then
i arrive and You say.."you know I'm not really feeling like an enema today."
or you say "some time soon I'm gonna watch You lick another girls pussy"..
that was what 2 or more months ago? It's stupid, i should except my place
as a submissive and get over the fact that You don't do what You say You will,
and i've tried, i've really tried to just let it go. But i simply can't
respect someOone who goes back on their word (no matter what they say they'll
do). The biggest problem is that this lack of follow through extended to
punishment. Sometimes i would do something deserving of punishment and get
a kiss. Sometimes i would do something similar and get a hearty beating.
That's confusing as a submissive.

Here's the thing. i've learned a lot from being with You. i know it's hard
to imagine, but i think from learning more about what i want/need i'll have
become a better sub from Oour time together. But there are certain intractable
problems with Oour relationship which have cropped up over the past few months.
i've let them stew for a very long time, and it was time for me to let them
out. i know many of the things i said here may have been hurtful and for
that i am truly sorry. i don't mean to be a bitch, i just need to be
truthful with You so that You know where i stand and understand my need
to petition for release.

i hope You understand and if You would like to talk about any/all of these
things i am open to such a discussion.i would like You to know, however,
that i have limited/no interest in attempting to find a "solution". If i
thought they had solutions i would have brought them up earlier for
discussion and mediation/etc.



Love. There i said it. i think about it all the time...it's a teenage obsession: one of the few i have yet to shed. when i was 17 i fell deep for a boy of 19. i would have done anything he wanted, i would have run away with him to Antartica and fished through ice holes for the rest of my life. and been happy that he allowed me to touch him. i realize now that kind of obsession isn't health, it leads to lack of ambition etc. But i still dream about it often. i still yearn for that feeling of awe from being around/speaking with/touching another person.

to this day i've never been kissed the way he kissed me. The world ceased to exist.

"Is she a submissive or just a slut"

i'm wondering that same thing at the moment. Am i truly submissive or am i just playing. Do i want to  be submissive or do i just want to please my partner. Am i a fake? i haven't been able to get into the past few weeks. Is it something wrong with me, the situations, my stress level, my Partner? What's  wrong?

i'm having serious doubts about the whole thing.

i have weird ideas sometimes

For example. Today i was thinking "i wonder what sex would look like on a 2D page." If an artist was just really trying to depict what sex is like what would they do? This led inevitably to body paint. So i have this idea. Two people (or more if that's your thing) get all doused in body paint differnt colors for different parts of the body and different colors for different partners. By determining where the colors were spread on a peice of canvas you could tell exactly the positions of the two peoples bodies at different points. Come to think of it, you would have to color the whips and ropes too so you could tell where people got whipped etc.

i think that would be my picture of sex. Just random smears of color as people roll around and have their experience recorded on paper. Do you think the Louvre would like it? hehe

Anyways, i really think it could be fun to see how different peoples sex paintings differ. Do some people stay in only a few positions, do they move around a lot. How does the form of the painting correlate with satisfaction in the partners. Is there some magic formula for unbelievably hot sex?

It's a scary thing when i let my mind wander, no?

If You read this...please respond so i know You're out there :)

i'm a horrible sub aren't i

i've been so delinquent about this journal recently. i guess it's partly because i write here when i'm angsty and i don't have much reason or time to be angsty recently. Just sooo much work. i had three fucking essays due today. For some reason this increase in stress has also lead to an increase in sexual fantasization (is that a word...no...well just go with it anyways ok?) Almost all of these involve me as a sub licking someones shoe or something stupid like that. Today after a particularly long shower i just lay on my bed for a while daydreaming about a scene making it up in my head getting all hot and bothered.

It's becoming a problem because after i was all hot and bothered i had to go write  boring paper about gender and the colonial discourse instead of releasing. Let me tell Yyou writing an essay about colonisation takes all of the heat out of Yyou.

in other news. only four more weeks of college and then SUMMER and then DEEEEAAAAATTTTHHHH studying.

that is all.

message to M2


I’m in a stage of wondering what kind of person I want to be for the rest of my life. I know that sounds incredibly over dramatic and silly but bear with me for a moment. I’ve been analyzing my current situation and what about it makes me unhappy. Do I have enough social support, am I pursuing the right goals, do I understand my own limitations (and am I pushing sufficiently at these, or too much).

I’m finding that I can’t answer all of these questions. Although I would much like to think that I have a good number of really caring friends sometimes they aren’t enough, sometimes I want someone different. Studying about the African continent one of the most striking things to me is that people there have incredible networks of social support. They don’t sit alone at a television screen connecting with people on camera, they’re constantly out talking with other villagers and connecting with large numbers of people on a daily basis. I envy them.

One of my mothers good friends from church just died (cancer). She was an amazing women who up until she got sick was the life of every party/church event. I always thought that the church was her main social sphere, but her funeral was packed with people I had never seen before in my life. That kind of connection with people, I hope I can learn how to build that at some point. Sometimes I think it’s possible, others I wonder if my limits preclude that kind of social networking.

I’m very sure that I’m pursuing the right goals. Medicine is just one of those things I always knew, since I was little, I needed to do. I always knew that I wanted to be a doctor, but until recently I don’t think it ever crossed my mind that I could really do it. When I opened that acceptance letter, my parents broke down in tears they were so happy for me. I just stood there in the rain thinking, “fuck! They let people like me into medical school?!” It’s still sinking in that at some point in the future I’m going to be called Dr. Hokanson. That FREAKS me out. But at the same time I know it’s the right thing for me. I’m sure that doesn’t make any sense…but that’s how emotions go.

I’m taking 6 classes right now. Three of which are seminar writing requirements. I have just about no free time and it’s running me down. Throughout college I’ve tried to challenge myself, tried to push and become smarter/more informed. I think this semester (thank goodness it’s the last) I’ve reached me limit. I’ve pushed to the point that I can’t see anything else besides school work (which was good when I didn’t know what I was going to do next year, but now sucks monkey balls). I’m learning that some boundaries are not for pushing, they’re for keeping everything together.


boundaries not for pushing? Okay well not in this part of my life...but in the part that he knows...yes

and then there's a picture for your enjoyment of course ;)

she was allowed to have shoes? crazy nudists.

emotional sadism

Kaya posted something about this on her blog today. Some of the scenarios that she suggested were pretty extreme. for example.

"He shows up with another girl in tow when they, as a couple, have never discussed seeing other people. What they HAVE discussed is that he can do whatever he wants, the specifics of which hadn’t been clarified. He ties his sub to a chair next to the bed, and proceeds to play with and fuck the other girl in front of her. It is the sight of his sub sitting there, heart shattering, silent tears of hurt dripping down her cheeks that fuels him on as he uses the other woman. "

i don't personally see how this kind of play can be consensual. i mean i won't say that it doesn't turn me on a little bit...the degradation and feeling like i'm just a fuck toy...but if someone brought in another girl when we hadn't discussed it i would walk out. i don't see how this exercise can help a submissive to grow. what is s/he supposed to learn from a situation like this? There are other less emotionally harmful ways to prove that You're a Master and You can do whatever You choose. 
i'd be interested to see what You think about the whole idea of emotional sadism (or masochism).

In other news my computer is back (it doesn't close now so it's more of a desktop than a laptop...grrrr) so i owe you three photos....

awww she looks so innocent and cute ;)

but it's possible she has some not so innocent fantasies (isn't this picture just gorgeous? i really want to make it my background...)

or some really naughty ones (those are the best, no?)   is it sad that my first thought when i saw this was...."i wonder how long it took to wash that off."? well i'm practical what can i say.

Nothing new really

Today has been devoted to the whole school thing. It's a bit ridiculous how much work there is to be done. There was an interesting thread on fetlife about starting a relationship with a HSV positive person. i was really surprised that many people said...well we've almost all been exposed to one of the viruses or the other,etc etc and that if they used condoms (which we all should anyways) that they would find the risks within acceptable bounds.

There were a few people who said HELL no..but for the most part people were very much of the opinion that the biggest problem that comes with herpes is not really the virus itself but the stigma that is associated with having an STD. i have to say that so far i agree with this. i feel really ashamed and like i shouldn't have sex etc because i might put people at risk. But there's nothing really serious about my symptoms and there's no risk that i'm going to die from this disease. Although it does put me at greater risk for another STD...so i should be REALLY careful so that i don't catch something else. (that's the plan BTW). But yeah i found that thread quite refreshing and i felt just a tiny bit less guilty and dirty after reading it.

That's all for now. i'm in the library again so no pictures (i owe big time now don't i?!) perhaps tomorrow i'll have the comp back (it's missing a hinge at the moment.)

much love,

Mar. 30th, 2009

lol. my friends are totally repressed kinksters.....

so at karaoke one of my friends got whipped cream put on her face because we're silly like that. It's sort of a tradition that on your birthday you take a little bit of the icing from the cake and put in on the birthday girl's face (caking). 

the below is a transcript from the response to said caking. 

NP: NM you always get caked somehow lol
NM: actually i got whipped there ;)    (refering to whipped cream)
CD: and you deserved it :)                   
IV: and you like it....a lot 
NM: you read my mind IV 

it's weird how small things like that i would never have had second thoughts about are all over the place. There must be at least 10 references like this everyday.  Weird...we live in a repressed kinky world 

Wwe should try and convert people so they can be more open about their real desires (nods head). 

Anyways. i hope You're having a good enough day for the both of us....i've been working since i got up :(

Also (the greatest silence:rape in the Congo    is incredibly depressing and not particularly motivating...don't bother watching it. 

i'm in the library writing this so no bondage pic of the day. maybe i'll give You two tomorrow (if i have my laptop back)